Once upon a time...

This isn't going to be long today but...a lot is on my mind. A lot of things that I will leave anonymous. But, I am not writing to vent about the negative because that is already consuming my mind, my thoughts and even my behavior right now. But, rather, I am writing to remind myself of all the positive around me. I am writing right now so when I am finished I can read it over and over again to remind myself of all the positive around me. To let positive grow in me, consume my mind, consume not just what I think, but how I think. To consume not just my behavior (meaning of behavior the way in which one acts or conducts oneself) but, to consume my character (meaning the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual). If I let positivism consume my character, which is  what make me, me. Then everything else will be exactly how it is supposed to be. The sun is shining, I have a good job, people love me, I'm healthy, I have a family, God is in control of my life, He knows what is best for me and most of all this isn't my home...one day I'll go home to be with Him forever. That is enough positivism right there to give me reason to live happily ever after. The end. 

knick knacks are for looking

I am listening to "Lord, I give you my heart" by: Reuben Morgan. I like his voice. I'm sitting at my desk in my office staring into space...I just finished reading Ephesians 1 & 2 and let me tell you, if you're feeling down - that is some good 'pick-me-up' right there. Grace is a gift from God. I heard a neat quote while on my journey in Spain...

"Grace is God giving you something you don't deserve. Mercy is God not giving you something you do deserve."

I am so thankful that His mercies are new every morning and his grace is sufficient for me. His grace covers all my mistakes, thoughts, actions all of the time.

Last night we had church and I walked in with a smile on my face but my Pastor knows me oh-so-well and he could see through the smile that I was hurting, broken and even a little grumpy, if you will. He said "you're grumpy." I reply with "Yes, sir." Clearly not interested in carrying on a conversation and he said "I'm here for you, Al. I'll help in anyway I can..." Then he just looks into the distance. I stood there staring at him wondering what was going to come next. (When he gets that look God is most likely telling him what my problem is, why it's there, what I need to do to fix it and why haven't I fixed it yet) He says "You feel like God put you up on the top shelf and forgot about you, don't you?" He walked away.

Me?
On a shelf?
The top shelf, nonetheless.
Forgot about me?
I do.
How did he know that?
Why did God tell him that.
Why does God always respond with a question?
Maybe if I starting stating things to Him, He will respond with a statement...just a thought.

Pastor totally nailed it. That's exactly how I feel. I feel as if I'm watching everything take place, out of my reach. I'm watching what I should really be involved with. I'm observing, not participating. My job is to participate. The Bible even says in Romans 15:1 "As for us who are strong, our duty is to bear with the weaknesses of those who are not strong, and not seek our own pleasure" and Ephesians 6:7 "With right good will, be faithful to your duty as service rendered to the Lord and not to man." I have a duty as a Christian to work and be diligent in my work for the Kingdom of God. So why then am I just watching everything? Why do I just go to work everyday, go to church, do my occasional leading songs, playing the piano, teaching Sunday School - you know? The norm. 


Buuuuuut....
Psalm 27:14 says "Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD."
Aaaannnnddd..
Psalm 62:1 says "Truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation." (Salvation meaning Yshuw'ah in Hebrew meaning Deliverance.)
There's more...
Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
One more...
Isaiah 64:4: "For since the beginning of the world men have not heard, nor perceived by the ear, neither hath the eye seen, O God, beside thee, what he hath prepared for him that waiteth for him."


So I wasn't put on the top shelf and forgotten about. I was put up there to wait on God. If I were to take it into my own hands - my life would be a disaster. But, I can wait on God and he can fulfill of my dreams. Not because I deserve it but back to that Grace & Mercy thing. Because he is God and because He loves me. All I have to do is wait on Him...


"Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances." -unknown

another day at the office...

Cody is on vacation. Nathan is in Texas. Trainers are not in today. Amber is in her office highlighting things most likely, or possibly writing an email to someone who isn't cooperating. Danielle is listening very intently (and finding humor in) the voicemails our clients have left. Heidi is probably responding to an email and commenting on how much she likes that individual. Chad is listening to music and working (I don't really know what he does in his office). I am at my desk (that is conveniently located in the smack dab center of the room). Listening to "Come To Me" by Aaron Shust. We had a luncheon at Claim Jumper with those of us who decided to come in today. I have my caramel pumpkin candle burning, sipping on my cappuccino I made from a box and pondering...

Why do people have to make stuff up? Do they think it will make them a better person by tearing down others? Because, really, it's not a nice thing to do. Why do people have to change? Why can't we all just reach a stage in a friendship and keep it there? Why do you have to move forward or end things? Why does there need to be anything different from what we had? Why do I let "you" bother me so much? Why do I let "you" effect the sleep I get at night or the food I eat? I ate a Krispy Kreme for breakfast. I haven't eaten one of those in at least 5 years but today (because of "you") I had a KK.

This is what is going through my mind today. I hate how I let people, circumstances and situations dictate my day-to-day life. I hate that. But, I am also pondering...

Why did He come to this earth? He could have just stayed up There and intervened from there. But, no. He came. It was a big change for Him. Here I am complaining about my life and the changes happening but if it wasn't for the change that He made I wouldn't even be here today. Wow... talk about a change of perspective about change.

"I want to fall for you but I'm not sure you will catch me." -Pam Rox

Woopsy Daisy

So I have decided that to journal is to do something amazing for yourself! But, I have also decided that carrying a book around with me is quite difficult; seeing that I don't journal anything secret, why not just blog! It's a much more interesting word than journal. Blog. Sounds pretty nice!

Well, it is Christmas time. The city is lit up with lights and cheer, the mall - full of folks spending their money in full. Whilst I watch from the sideline people enjoying spending their money to make others smile. I wonder how I have made it thus far through my life? The things I have gone through have been absolutely ridiculous. I am only 20 years old yes, but I feel that when I look into my past I am seeing such a separate life that I live now. It is because I am a different person. I have been redeemed by the Redeemer. I have been set free by the Deliverer. I have been healed by the Healer. I have been protected by the Protector. I have been surrounded by love by Love, himself. This time of year is when people are the happiest and I wonder why. Yes, Christmas is here but why is it so happy? Then, for others, it is the most dreaded, feared time of the year. How can one day effect us in such a deep, inner way? Because it's not just a day. It is the day. The day that Jesus was born, the day our Deliverer came. That was the day the whole world changed. It's so cliche, but yet so true. I have caught myself forgetting the true reason of this season but I have been reminded by one line from a song: "I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end". Mary, the mother of Jesus, (in the song) said this to her son, Jesus. It had such an effect on me. He will hold us in the end and He is holding us now. And that is how I have made it thus far. That is how I am His child today. Because He came and now I can be saved. This isn't anything deep or profound. Just me, blogging. :) Putting my thoughts to words.

I am just so thankful...my family is incredible. Yes, we have our problems but who doesn't? I shouldn't be so negative about them. It isn't a just a family. It is a family that has literally been grafted together by God. No more complaining! It is day 3 of my new outlook on life. I am changing how some things about myself that I don't like and let me tell ya, it is ridiculously hard! I made it to day 13 but on Saturday I had a little blow out! Woopsy Daisy! So, Sunday was day 1...again. But that's the cool thing: with God, you have unlimited "Day 1's" =)

"When we hold back on life, life holds back on us." ~Mary Manin Boggs

Life after Spain...

This is my 34th day back to PDX and it has been quite the adjustment.

While I was in Spain I slept constantly, didn't eat a whole bunch, walked everywhere, hung out 24/7 with my pals and was totally consumed with the presence of God!

Here I am hardly getting sleep, eating ALL the time (the food is just so good here! No wonder we're all huge!) I have to force myself to workout, I have to make appointments (appointments? really?!) just to see my friends, with the exception of seeing them at AWC and I find I have to really put Gal. 2:20 to use. It is a daily battle that we all must fight and "self" is the biggest barrier that we have, and it's the most stubborn. We literally have to work so hard just to be triumphant over our flesh. Why is that? It's our body, why can't we just control it?

I have thought and thought on this and I have come to the conclusion that we can control it. It's difficult, but quite possible. It all depends on who you associate yourself with, your choice of conversation, the activities you choose on your free time and most of all: what you do when you are alone. This is so difficult for me because I justify EVERYTHING! I can literally talk myself into almost anything and I hate that about myself. I have a battle within myself trying to conquer my flesh. I have good intentions, but I don't want intentions I want actions.

Galatians 2:20
I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ lives in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me.

1 Peter 4:2
That he {everyone} no longer should live the rest of his time in the flesh, but to the Will of God. (I asked God to give me a verse and this is what he gave me..sigh.)

Have a great weekend!

Note: Carrying your Bible everywhere doesn't count for anything. I tried justifying that one too. 

Two Months Already?!

Wow! We only have 11 days left and I'm stoked! This trip has been so life changing and I feel like a new person. I can't wait to get home and put to work all the good info and tools that I've learned here. Yesterday, Sunday, was great! Brandie, one of the girls on our trip, and myself do the music for one of the services and it has been great to expand my abilites. It's so hard because they all have their own ideas on how the song should go so they all do their own thing! HAHA! It's so funny. So me, as the pianist, just plays it my way and Brandie sings with me and thats it! LOL! I will never be critical of music in the States ever again!

The people here have such a love for God it is unreal. It's like a church of 700 members of new converts. You know that fire that is in new converts? That's what this whole church has. It's amazing. It reminds me of all the messages and songs about not losing your first Love and always remembering where God has brought you from. It's really unreal to me, the love and appreciation these people have for God. The focus here is all about God, all of the young people have youth service every other Friday night and its games and fun but at the end there is a speaker and there is ALWAYS and altar call that is absolutely amazing. Every youth service we've been to, someone new has gotten the Holy Ghost. I long for that fire in Portland!! Then, for the whole church, they have prayer Mon-Fri 6:30-8:30 every morning and it's kind of like come and go as you please but at 8:15 they all come together and worship together and sing a song or two and start the day together as a whole body of Christ! It's so amazing!!! The unity here is so strong and you can sense it. They start each day together and they are so open with each other's needs so they all pray and intercede for each other.

The church here is so big and it's only because of Home Bible studies! I can't wait to get home, I have such a burden for Bible studies! More so than I ever have! Look out Portland, I'm coming home soon! Ain't nothin' going to discourage me, I'm sold out for God!! God bless all of you, I pray this blog has blessed you in the last two months. It's been encouraging to hear from you all. Love you all!

Oops! Forgot about my blog!

Okay, I really didn't forget. Our internet has been down and we had no internet access!

Anyway, these last few weeks have been great! We took a roadtrip to Portugal to meet with the AYC (American Youth Corps) group that had a 10 day trip to Portugal/Spain. While there we were able to go to 3 churches and I immedietely (sp?) fell in love with the people. They loved us so much and we blessed them so much just by being there. As a gift of appreciation when we left they have each of us a silk flower with a ribbon tied around it. This made me cry. It was just something so small and I know in the states it would've been taken as a joke. But, these people are so poor and they don't have very much so for them to take the time to do this meant so much. As our bus drove away the whole church stood in the middle of the street, okay in the middle of the dirt road that was barely wide enough for our bus waving and blowing kisses. It was the sweetest thing! The country of Portugal still has spiritual strongholds that Spain had years ago. We need to pray for that country. The Collins' are missionaries to Portugal. However, we need more that will obey the call and go. The Collins' in their 60's-70's. They shouldn't be the only ones having to be there...much less alone. It hurts me so bad and I was praying and one of my quizzer friends said she felt a call to Portugal, she talked to the Collins' and she's coming back next year! I was so excited for this news!

We brought the AYC group back to Madrid with us and, of course, they loved it here! Who wouldn't?! We were able to take them to the Royal Palace of Spain where the King and Queen still live. They tour parts of it while they stay in a different part of the Palace. We took them to Toledo and Segovia which are two very old cities. Segovia dates back to 2,500 years back. In Toledo the city still has the old, huge walls up for defense so you can see the whole city up on the hill from miles away because, although you can see it, if you wanted to attack it, you would have an almost impossible mission on your hands!

The AYC group left today and we were all very sad, but we will be able to reunite at Youth Congress which is only 3 weeks away! It was a breath of fresh air for the Next Steppers though. Because we've been touring nonstop with the AYC so Bro. Sones so graciously gave us the day off to do NOTHING! It felt great! Tomorrow starts Week 6 and we will be working for the remainder of our trip and then we head home in 18 days! :)

I think that everyone needs to go on Next Steps at point or another. We have people on our trip from 18-28 singles and a married couple with their 2 year old son, they left the 5 and 6 year olds back home! Even though you don't think you're called to Foreign Missions, soon to be called Global Missions, it doesn't matter. It's a place to get away from all the distractions in the USA, it allows you to go to places with God you never knew existed and it allows you to find your calling in God, if you don't already know it. It's expensive and a major sacrifice but because of that, God blesses it that much more. Really consider it, it's life changing. Thats so cliche but really, I'm not the same person I was when I got here 1 1/2 months ago. Consider it, pray about it, do it! :)